How to deal with Tough Parents..!!
Getting their Acceptance and Blessings..
Many Muslims, specially young women and men are facing tough times, trying to convince their parents and close relatives on accepting their chosen partners.. This is what typically called “Love Marriage” among Asian Muslims in particular.. The same is happening elsewhere, by different names and severity as well..
We need to acknowledge that not necessarily all practices among Muslims are abide to Islam, as various Religious teachings, linguistic interpretations, and cultural traditions affect the proximity to or away from the true Islamic guidelines.. Certainly, Allah swt knows better; while his wisdom will rule our destiny..
There are few Quran verses and Hadeeth, which had set the selection criteria for brides and grooms.. However, the use of them should be within the general Quran guidelines of debating and arguing on any issues:
It is part of the Mercy of Allah that thou dost deal gently with them Wert thou severe or harsh-hearted, they would have broken away from about thee: so pass over (Their faults), and ask for (Allah’s) forgiveness for them; and consult them in affairs (of moment). Then, when thou hast Taken a decision put thy trust in Allah. For Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him).. Chapter3ThefamilyofImran-Aal-e-Imran:Verse159
Also, Seeking Guidance from Allah swt by (Istikharah) is preferred:
“”If anyone of you has an issue of concern; should he performs two Rak’ahs of the non-obligatory prayers, then make a Da’ua:
“O Allah, I seek the goodness as per Your knowledge, seek Your mightiness; and ask You unmatched grace.. You can, while I can’t.. You know and I don’t.. You are the Knower of the Unseen.. Oh Allah, If You know that this issue is better for me; in my religion, in my living, and in my destiny (or He said; as urgently warrants and later on); then; ordain it for me, make it easy, and bless me in it.. If You know that this issue is evil for me; in my religion, in my living, and in my destiny (or He said; as urgent warrants and later on); then; turn it away from me and dismiss me from it.. Guide me to what is good, and satisfy me..”” Said so and name your concerned need..
The 1st principle in Quran is to only choose the matrimonial partners as per their Faith:
Do not marry unbelieving women (idolaters), until they believe: A slave woman who believes is better than an unbelieving woman, even though she allures you. Nor marry (your girls) to unbelievers until they believe: A man slave who believes is better than an unbeliever, even though he allures you. Unbelievers do (but) beckon you to the Fire. But Allah beckons by His Grace to the Garden (of bliss) and forgiveness, and makes His Signs clear to mankind: That they may celebrate His praise.. Chapter2TheCow-Al-Baqara:Verse221
Marry those among you who are single, or the virtuous ones among yourselves, male or female: if they are in poverty, Allah will give them means out of His grace: for Allah encompasseth all, and he knoweth all things.. Chapter24The Light-An-Noor:Verse32
Narrated by Abu Dawood from Abu Hurayrah, may Allah be pleased with him.. The Prophet peace be upon him, said: A Woman may be married for four: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religion.. Get the religiously committed; get prosper..
The 2nd Quran principle is men’s Ability for maintenance:
If any of you have not the means wherewith to wed free believing women, they may wed believing girls from among those whom your right hands possess: And Allah hath full knowledge about your faith. Ye are one from another: Wed them with the leave of their owners, and give them their dowers, according to what is reasonable: They should be chaste, not lustful, nor taking paramours: when they are taken in wedlock, if they fall into shame, their punishment is half that for free women. This (permission) is for those among you who fear sin; but it is better for you that ye practise self-restraint. And Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful.. Chapter4TheWomen-An-Nisa:Verse25
O ye who believe! When there come to you believing women refugees, examine (and test) them: Allah knows best as to their Faith: if ye ascertain that they are Believers, then send them not back to the Unbelievers. They are not lawful (wives) for the Unbelievers, nor are the (Unbelievers) lawful (husbands) for them. But pay the Unbelievers what they have spent (on their dower), and there will be no blame on you if ye marry them on payment of their dower to them. But hold not to the guardianship of unbelieving women: ask for what ye have spent on their dowers, and let the (Unbelievers) ask for what they have spent (on the dowers of women who come over to you). Such is the command of Allah: He judges (with justice) between you. And Allah is Full of Knowledge and Wisdom.. Chapter60Shethatistobeexamined-Al-Mumtahina:Verse10
The Prophet peace be upon him, said: If someone who you accept his religious commitment and character, propose to marry; accept.. If you do not great confusion and corruption will spread over.. A listener asks: O Messenger of Allah, Whatsoever he is? He replied, repeated three times: If someone who you accept his religious commitment and character, propose to marry; accept.. As in the Sunan al-Tirmidhi
3rd principle is the Abiding to Islamic Moral Code:
There is no blame on you if ye make an offer of betrothal or hold it in your hearts. Allah knows that ye cherish them in your hearts: But do not make a secret contract with them except in terms Honourable, nor resolve on the tie of marriage till the term prescribed is fulfilled. And know that Allah Knoweth what is in your hearts, and take heed of Him; and know that Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Forbearing.. Chapter2TheCow-Al-Baqara:Verse235
The Prophet peace be upon him, said: The non virgin is not be married until gives a permission; while the virgin is not to be married without her consent.. As in Sahih Al-Bukhari.. The non virgin is a divorced or a widow.. A virgin consent is her shy silence
Ibn ‘Umar, may Allah be pleased with them, The Prophet peace be upon him, said: Does not offer a sale incentives over a brother’s; nor propose Nikah to someone your brother already did, unless he dismisses and notifies..
So, to summarize what to do, fighting for your dream partner:
- Certainly, you need to be a true Muslim, performing all your religious duties and adhere to the principles of Islamic behavior and modesty.. Being a true Muslim will make your parents more confident in your decision and choices.. Also it will enable an Islamic grounds to discuss the matter when time is convenient..
- Despite the chemistry, you need to do your intellectual “homework”, to make sure that the other person is genuine and has a matching true personality; without the usual exaggerated appeals and deceiving attractions.. Listen carefully to the comments on your chosen one; critiques, privileges and characteristics.. This is the step which determines your own maturity and true readiness to make a Muslim family..
- Perform your Istikharah, with full sincerity and confidence that Allah swt will guide you towards the better decision and bless your intensions.. Ingredients for typical Muslim life should be there.. You can’t discuss marriage while been supported by your parents, or unemployed, or burdened with outstanding family responsibilities.. Your Istikharah is neither a fortune cookie nor astrology..!
- Choose an elder to consult, not necessarily a relative, but a person with qualifications of “Deen” and adequate performance of “Dunyia”.. Someone with balanced practice of religion and life, enabling easy way forward with least damages.. There are many smart persons who can listen and advise, as per the ruling circumstances and domestic culture..
- Never address the subject as a domain with your “Tough Parents”.. You can create lots of topics that will enable them to understand your general points of view, and how they apply the true Islamic interpretations.. Once you feel the grounds are fertile, you may calmly bring the name of your chosen person on the table, and carefully navigate among the rocks..!
- Always remember that your parents sincerely want and wish all the best for you.. It is only a matter of changing times, whereas different periorities dig the gaps among generations.. Certainly, your exposure is greater than theirs, you have the brains and knowledge, and capable to deliver the message.. It is only about preparedness, presentation and rationale debate.. Certainly; Love will Win..!!