Parents Acceptance

How to deal with Tough Parents..!!

Getting their Acceptance and Blessings..

Many Muslims, specially young women and men are facing tough times, trying to convince their parents and close relatives on accepting their chosen partners.. This is what typically called “Love Marriage” among Asian Muslims in particular.. The same is happening elsewhere, by different names and severity as well..

We need to acknowledge that not necessarily all practices among Muslims are abide to Islam, as various Religious teachings, linguistic interpretations, and cultural traditions affect the proximity to or away from the true Islamic guidelines.. Certainly, Allah swt knows better; while his wisdom will rule our destiny..

There are few Quran verses and Hadeeth, which had set the selection criteria for brides and grooms.. However, the use of them should be within the general Quran guidelines of debating and arguing on any issues:

It is part of the Mercy of Allah that thou dost deal gently with them Wert thou severe or harsh-hearted, they would have broken away from about thee: so pass over (Their faults), and ask for (Allah’s) forgiveness for them; and consult them in affairs (of moment). Then, when thou hast Taken a decision put thy trust in Allah. For Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him).. Chapter3ThefamilyofImran-Aal-e-Imran:Verse159

 

Also, Seeking Guidance from Allah swt by (Istikharah) is preferred:

Jabir bin Abdullah, may Allah please him: The Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him; teaches us in all things seeking the goodness (istikhaarah); as well as He teaches us the Koran; says;

“”If anyone of you has an issue of concern; should he performs two Rak’ahs of the non-obligatory prayers, then make a Da’ua:

“O Allah, I seek the goodness as per Your knowledge, seek Your mightiness; and ask You unmatched grace.. You can, while I can’t.. You know and I don’t.. You are the Knower of the Unseen.. Oh Allah, If You know that this issue is better for me; in my religion, in my living, and in my destiny (or He said; as urgently warrants and later on); then; ordain it for me, make it easy, and bless me in it.. If You know that this issue is evil for me; in my religion, in my living, and in my destiny (or He said; as urgent warrants and later on); then; turn it away from me and dismiss me from it.. Guide me to what is good, and satisfy me..”” Said so and name your concerned need..

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The 1st principle in Quran is to only choose the matrimonial partners as per their Faith:

Do not marry unbelieving women (idolaters), until they believe: A slave woman who believes is better than an unbelieving woman, even though she allures you. Nor marry (your girls) to unbelievers until they believe: A man slave who believes is better than an unbeliever, even though he allures you. Unbelievers do (but) beckon you to the Fire. But Allah beckons by His Grace to the Garden (of bliss) and forgiveness, and makes His Signs clear to mankind: That they may celebrate His praise.. Chapter2TheCow-Al-Baqara:Verse221

Marry those among you who are single, or the virtuous ones among yourselves, male or female: if they are in poverty, Allah will give them means out of His grace: for Allah encompasseth all, and he knoweth all things.. Chapter24The Light-An-Noor:Verse32

Narrated by Abu Dawood from Abu Hurayrah, may Allah be pleased with him.. The Prophet peace be upon him, said:  A Woman may be married for four: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religion.. Get the religiously committed; get prosper..

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The 2nd Quran principle is men’s Ability for maintenance:

If any of you have not the means wherewith to wed free believing women, they may wed believing girls from among those whom your right hands possess: And Allah hath full knowledge about your faith. Ye are one from another: Wed them with the leave of their owners, and give them their dowers, according to what is reasonable: They should be chaste, not lustful, nor taking paramours: when they are taken in wedlock, if they fall into shame, their punishment is half that for free women. This (permission) is for those among you who fear sin; but it is better for you that ye practise self-restraint. And Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful.. Chapter4TheWomen-An-Nisa:Verse25

O ye who believe! When there come to you believing women refugees, examine (and test) them: Allah knows best as to their Faith: if ye ascertain that they are Believers, then send them not back to the Unbelievers. They are not lawful (wives) for the Unbelievers, nor are the (Unbelievers) lawful (husbands) for them. But pay the Unbelievers what they have spent (on their dower), and there will be no blame on you if ye marry them on payment of their dower to them. But hold not to the guardianship of unbelieving women: ask for what ye have spent on their dowers, and let the (Unbelievers) ask for what they have spent (on the dowers of women who come over to you). Such is the command of Allah: He judges (with justice) between you. And Allah is Full of Knowledge and Wisdom.. Chapter60Shethatistobeexamined-Al-Mumtahina:Verse10

The Prophet peace be upon him, said: If someone who you accept his religious commitment and character, propose to marry; accept.. If you do not great confusion and corruption will spread over.. A listener asks: O Messenger of Allah, Whatsoever he is? He replied, repeated three times: If someone who you accept his religious commitment and character, propose to marry; accept.. As in the Sunan al-Tirmidhi

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3rd principle is the Abiding to Islamic Moral Code:

And marry not women whom your fathers married,- except what is past: It was shameful and odious,- an abominable custom indeed.. Chapter4TheWomen-An-Nisa:Verse22

There is no blame on you if ye make an offer of betrothal or hold it in your hearts. Allah knows that ye cherish them in your hearts: But do not make a secret contract with them except in terms Honourable, nor resolve on the tie of marriage till the term prescribed is fulfilled. And know that Allah Knoweth what is in your hearts, and take heed of Him; and know that Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Forbearing.. Chapter2TheCow-Al-Baqara:Verse235

The Prophet peace be upon him, said:  The non virgin is not be married until gives a permission; while the virgin is not to be married without her consent..  As in Sahih Al-Bukhari.. The non virgin is a divorced or a widow.. A virgin consent is her shy silence

Ibn ‘Umar, may Allah be pleased with them, The Prophet peace be upon him, said:  Does not offer a sale incentives over a brother’s; nor propose Nikah to someone your brother already did, unless he dismisses and notifies..

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So, to summarize what to do, fighting for your dream partner:

  1. Certainly, you need to be a true Muslim, performing all your religious duties and adhere to the principles of Islamic behavior and modesty.. Being a true Muslim will make your parents more confident in your decision and choices.. Also it will enable an Islamic grounds to discuss the matter when time is convenient..
  2. Despite the chemistry, you need to do your intellectual “homework”, to make sure that the other person is genuine and has a matching true personality; without the usual exaggerated appeals and deceiving attractions.. Listen carefully to the comments on your chosen one; critiques, privileges and characteristics.. This is the step which determines your own maturity and true readiness to make a Muslim family..
  3. Perform your Istikharah, with full sincerity and confidence that Allah swt will guide you towards the better decision and bless your intensions.. Ingredients for typical Muslim life should be there.. You can’t discuss marriage while been supported by your parents, or unemployed, or burdened with outstanding family responsibilities.. Your Istikharah is neither a fortune cookie nor astrology..!
  4. Choose an elder to consult, not necessarily a relative, but a person with qualifications of “Deen” and adequate performance of “Dunyia”.. Someone with balanced practice of religion and life, enabling easy way forward with least damages.. There are many smart persons who can listen and advise, as per the ruling circumstances and domestic culture..
  5. Never address the subject as a domain with your “Tough Parents”.. You can create lots of topics that will enable them to understand your general points of view, and how they apply the true Islamic interpretations.. Once you feel the grounds are fertile, you may calmly bring the name of your chosen person on the table, and carefully navigate among the rocks..!
  6. Always remember that your parents sincerely want and wish all the best for you.. It is only a matter of changing times, whereas different periorities dig the gaps among generations.. Certainly, your exposure is greater than theirs, you have the brains and knowledge, and capable to deliver the message.. It is only about preparedness, presentation and rationale debate.. Certainly; Love will Win..!!
Comments
  1. adilsud says:

    The Do’s and Dont’s of Going to See a Potential Marriage Partner

    I think it’s something we can all learn from Insha’Allah. Please feel free to add your own in the comments below.

    The Do’s

    DO give the girl’s family plenty of notice before arriving, (that’s so they can be prepared and don’t have to worry about appointment cancellations etc.)

    DO greet the family members on arrival

    DO dress as you normally would. (If you normally wear western dress, then stick to that, there is no point wearing a juba etc to impress the girl’s family)

    DO ask the girl’s wali for permission if you want to ask her any questions. (Make sure you are specific about what you ask, dont beat about the bush)

    DO be honest when answering any questions

    The Dont’s

    DON’T go to see her alone

    DON’T enter the house or take a seat without permission

    DON’T keep talking unnecessarily unless you have something useful to say (be buisness like and to the point)

    DON’T stay too quiet and make yourself look like an arrogant person.

    DON’T go dressed like it is your wedding day.

    DON’T keep your eyes fixed on the girl (It is important you take a look but that does not mean constantly staring at her to freak her out)

    DON’T ask silly questions like what have you planned for today? (I am sure they would have cancelled any plans for that particular day)

    DON’T waste time discussing things like the weather (Leave that job for the weatherman)

    DON’T be demanding straightaway e.g. I expect my wife to cook and clean for me and wash and iron my clothes, polish my shoes etc (I know it probably sounds hillarious but it can happen)

    DON’T try to impress the wali by boasting about you earnings (It’s not good to be materialistic)

    [All of the above was taken from Al-Maghrib forums]
    http://theauthenticbase.wordpress.com/2009/11/05/the-dos-and-donts-of-going-to-see-a-potential-marriage-partner/

    Like

  2. adilsud says:

    http://www.muslimwomennews.com/n.php?nid=6732

    An 18-year old Egyptian girl threw herself off the balcony of an apartment building in Kuwait after being introduced to man she was told was her husband

    Kuwaiti police has launched an investigation into the attempted suicide of an 18-year old Egyptian girl who threw herself off the balcony of an apartment building to avoid a forced marriage.

    She survived the fall but suffered multiple fractures.

    While recovering at a hospital, the girl told the police that her mother and brother had unexpectedly introduced her to a man and told her that she was his wife and should start “spousal relations” according to a report in Kuwait’s al Rai newspaper.

    The shocked teenager responded by jumping out of the balcony of the family’s first floor apartment. She was hospitalized for 19 days and according to the paper, none of her family members visited her during this time.

    Her brother did, however, eventually show up, asking her to return home and reassuring her that she had been divorced by her ‘husband.’ But according to the paper, the girl refused and demanded to see evidence that she was ever married.

    Kuwaiti police has since called the mother and brother in for questioning in the ongoing investigation.

    The tragic case of Amina Filali, a 16-year-old Moroccan girl who took her own life after being forced to marry her rapist, has sparked an international debate about minors being forced into wedlock.

    Amina killed herself by swallowing rat poison in her hometown of Larache in northen Morocco.

    A year earlier, she had been raped by a man 10 years her senior but after filing charges against him, a civil court ruled that she should marry her rapist in order to preserve her family’s honor. Her family agreed.

    Ten million girls under the age of 18 are married every year worldwide; 1.5 million of that figure is under the age of 15.

    Some nations are attempting to address the issue.

    Saudi Arabia’s top religious authority banned the practice of forcing women to marry against their will in 2005.

    At the time, Grand Mufti Sheikh Abdul Aziz al-Sheikh said forced marriage was against Islamic law and those responsible for it should be jailed.

    The problem isn’t restricted to any one race or religion.

    British Prime Minister David Cameron announced in October that he sought to strengthen the law against forced marriage by making it a criminal offence to breach a forced marriage protection order. Some ministers proposed to go further, making it a separate criminal offence.

    The Home Office remains skeptical about introducing a new criminal offence that would be difficult to define and difficult to enforce. It said existing offences such as kidnapping and human trafficking were enough to deal with the problem.

    But in December Home Secretary Teresa May launched discussions of making forced marriage a crime. The issue is gaining momentum among organizations that work with abuse victims.

    by Sara Ghasemilee

    Alarabia

    Like

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